"Let It Be"

“It’s okay to stop doing and just be”, is what my third born, sweet boy, Parker Crew began teaching me a few short days after he was born. For those who know me personally, know I’m often on a mission. However, Parker is changing my pace. God is using Parker to shape me. Every child teaches their parent a new chapter in their life. This is the chapter Parker Crew has introduced to me.

On March 29th, Parker’s heart rate was dropping during contractions bringing him into our world four weeks early......and some things became fearfully familiar too quickly. Parker wasn’t breathing on his own, he didn’t cry, and he was whisked away to the NICU.  All I kept thinking was, “no, not again.” Twenty-two hours later, I finally held my Parker. Parker was healthy, but not breathing on his own. The comparisons and flashbacks of Heather’s birth were flooding our minds. Our tears were on the brim of a breakdown. I decided against this flood of tears. I wasn’t going to “go there”. Parker was not Heather. Parker was different. Parker was healthy. He just needed a little extra TLC. To separate flashbacks from reality is a war. It’s also a trap. I needed to re-anchor myself and get out of my head. Our heads are the worst places to be. I WOULD BE anchored. I checked into the truth I knew, and did not give myself permission to compare anymore. “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19

Anchored is where we stayed for ten days in the NICU with Parker. Instead of being disappointed about Parker being in the NICU, I treated these ten days as my bonding opportunity to learn about Parker and to study him. In these blessed ten days, I felt this amazing peace wash over me as I held Parker’s sweet head up in the crevice of my neck. Mommas: you know that sweet spot I’m talking about! Babies find their way snuggled up tightly to your chin and they couldn’t get closer if they tried. I love that spot! This peace....this was new. This was a peace I hadn't felt before. I kept feeling a chant come over me to “let it be”. Just “let it be”. 

All of our kids have names identified with someone who impacted my husband and me. Parker’s namesake is after the Parker family from Minot AFB, where we say “only the best travel North” in the Air Force. GQ & Ali, were our squadron commander and wife, who rushed to our sides when Heather was born. “People First” is what they live by and superbly model. They walked alongside us in Heather’s life, and never let go. GQ was a mentor to Thomas, Ali was a confidante to me. They fit us! Like a glove! When Parker was born, Thomas was coming to the end of his active duty status in his Air Force career. The camaraderie in the pilot community was our circle and our life the last twelve years. Parker’s middle name, Crew, is all Air Force. The crew of the mission. The crew of the Air Force family. This little’s boys name held boldness from the beginning.

As I snuggled Parker, I spent a lot of time processing this “just be” feeling and what it meant. This became a bigger deal than I realized, because this was another area of grief recovery for me; I just didn’t know it at that time. Having repeat flashbacks, while having almost a split personality of this new “just be” feeling made me go through a lot of hidden baggage. A few months later, I began processing these layers of grief and returned to counseling for four months. This was unexpected and overwhelming. However, it also evoked the digging into my faith. I know this is not sounding too much like “just be” right now, but I had to clean house before I could emotionally get to this “just be” mentality. “Just Be” chanted over me daily. Sometimes this “wannabe yoga circle of fresh picked lilacs” drove me insane. I am much more of a “drink some coffee, put on some gangsta rap, and handle it” kind of gal.  I was determined to figure this out!  And I did. All of this processing brought me to a new point guiding me to take Jesus back up to the front.

I love this quote: “It’s not a matter of letting go, you would if you could. Instead of ‘let it go’ we should probably say ‘let it be.’” - Jon Kabat-Zinn

For the past few years, I told myself, I will choose to be more deliberate in my faith walk when I get to “this point”. I will have more time to walk in faith once I get through this next phase in life. This agenda planning of my faith was failing. I took measures to simplify my life, my calendar, my meals, my cleaning schedule. I said “no” to people, things, and time suckers. I withdrew from social media. My processing consumed most of my mental energy. I am a very introverted processor; I draw quiet and alone. I needed to pause from the busy world. 

When Heather was born, I made a choice to push the “I believe” button with God. I didn’t have any energy to ask questions to God during Heather’s life. I just chose to believe Him.  I’ve pushed the “I believe” button for five years now......and I’m actually tired of pushing it. I have found myself wanting more. I craved Jesus in my life. I’ve never really craved Jesus the way I have lately. I was eager for the next layer of depth in my relationship with God. For me, that came in the form of a lot of questions. I let the questions pour out to my spiritual mentors. It was my research.

These women poured wisdom and grace over me. I was amazed by the depth of their relationship with God. I longed for this depth. Then I heard THE phrase from the wonderful, Mom C, that resonated with me:  (Mom C is Collin’s namesake!)

“I know who I am without Him, and it’s not pretty.” 

I knew who I was without Him too, and it was also NOT pretty. That was it. This was the phrase I needed to hear and accept. It’s easy to get caught up in the hustle of life, but unless we put God first, husband second, kids third, everything else fourth, we will never get it right. I felt this need of “being” placed in lap for a while. I chose to ignore it, because growing is hard. Growth means change. However, through growth, change happens naturally. I’ve decided to let God grow in me more to allow HIM to change me. When I looked at growth and change from this perspective, I wasn’t as intimidated. 

I firmly believe that God gives our children something specific to teach us. I have learned these lessons through my kid’s eyes. I look into my kids eyes on a regular basis. I always have. It’s one of my favorite places to be with them. My favorite part about my kids eyes is how they resemble one another. I see Heather in my boys! It’s such a gift! They have the same look that sees and speaks into my soul. Heather taught me unconditional love. Collin taught me renewed joy. Parker is teaching me to “just be,” and from this lesson of being, my faith is strengthening. Look deeply mommas. Your kids have so much to teach you, but you have to slow down and let them. 

It’s hard for me to accept goodness in the turmoil God brings to our lives; especially after losing my child. I do believe God will close many doors in life fighting to get you to look up. Believing this truth is hard, but I don’t want to make it as hard on God to fight for me anymore.  Without those ten isolated days with Parker, I may have missed this lesson.  

I am being more intentional in putting myself back into check, to see that the best part of me goes to what is most important: God, my husband, then my children. It has been a hard order to keep, and I’ve had to say “no” to a lot. The world makes it a priority to distract me. I am telling you, the world is not that great. I have a clear vision of what heaven looks like now that my daughter is sitting right next to Jesus. I wish it didn’t take my daughter going to heaven to get me to look up. I will always wonder.....

Parker, you are shaping me to be pruned and to grow. I’m changing⎯and I like it. As I said above, I’m a girl on a mission. It’s how I roll. However, when I need my reminder to slow down, I look back into Parker’s eyes to listen to the story God is teaching me and I “Let it Be”.