The Shift

It has been a while since I’ve written my last blog entry. My last entry was HARD on me. It was heavy. I wanted to dodge processing it all. Instead, I let myself be in pain and find the words to match my emotions through writing. I gave myself permission to be exactly as I needed to be. After my last entry, I needed a break from the constant work of processing. I followed and heavily transformed my world to revolve around this Proverbs verse: Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” I rooted this verse into my core. After the countless hours of grief counseling, processing, and building my relationship with God up to this point, I decided to give myself some time. Just mental time away. Now, I’ve been led to write again. I feel a pull. A pull I understand and believe to be Holy Spirit driven. So, I’ve decided to back track a little, allow myself to re-process some life events, and move forward with sharing our story.

This entry I am now sharing haunted me. I’ve had this blog entry stored in my mind for well over a year. I hesitated in sharing because of the gravitational force it had on me. However, embracing this kind of weight through writing is my processing tool and my best form of communication. So, here I go.

The next milestone was upon us. The joy of Collin’s first birthday. I will always be “that mom” that goes over the top for her kids’ first birthday. Heather’s first birthday was something her doctors were stunned by. It literally was a miracle that she had a first birthday.  It was a big deal! Now, I like to celebrate my kids’ first birthdays just like I did for Heather’s. And even more so, because of the weight I carry around this time frame of their birthday. So yes, I went decorations galore and had a dream cake made for Collin. We joyfully threw the most tender rainbow baby birthday for our full-of-life Collin! It was a wonderful day! But the heaviness was there following Collin’s birthday.......13 months. The month that Heather went to heaven. Just around the corner, Collin was going to out-live Heather’s life.

The day Collin turned 13 months and 1 day was the day of a very special friend’s wedding. This was not just any friend, but my husband’s best friend, Keith, and his beautiful bride-to-be, Veronica. The word friend seems so distant when describing Keith, because they are really more like brothers. Keith, was Thomas’ roommate at The Air Force Academy in college. The engaged couple was to be wed on site at Disneyland in California. When I matched the date of his wedding, to this very difficult date for us, I immediately pushed it away. I put my wall up. I couldn’t believe this date was upon us. I didn’t allow myself to “go there”. Mostly, because I didn’t want this day to exist.

Now that this date was on the calendar for a significant event, the fears endlessly circled my mind. What if I woke up after Collin’s 13 months of life and God decided to take him too? What if that was my “end of story” with Collin? I couldn’t imagine not having Collin for my forever. We, as parents, are supposed to have our children for OUR forever. The parents are supposed to go to heaven first. Not the children first. The unimaginable already happened to me once. Ask me what my greatest fear is.........my greatest fear is losing another child. 

As the wedding date came closer, Thomas made an amazing comment, “Jess, we are going to be at the happiest place ion earth celebrating Collin’s life.”   I chanted this comment repeatedly to myself and I finally added on to his sentence, “We are going to be at the happiest place on earth celebrating Collin’s LIFE..........not Heather’s death.” Each day up to the wedding date was still a battle of anxiety. However, there was a “shift” soon coming.

To Keith and Veronica: We didn’t share this with you at the time because we didn’t want anything to take away from your wedding day. I believe God used the two of you, your wedding day, at the happiest place on earth to help us through this exceptionally challenging milestone. If it were anyone else, we would have stayed home. And what if we were home on this day? We would have, of course, been thankful for Collin in our arms, but being in Disneyland helped us fully focus on Collin’s life, not on Heather’s death. We gave ourselves permission to be engulfed by LIFE in the Magic Kingdom. The fear of potentially losing Collin too early was quickly dissipating as we rode the Dumbo ride, waited for the Little Mermaid to take us “Under the Sea”, and riding the stormy, but exciting waves of Pirates of the Caribbean. We ate Mickey Mouse shaped everything, wore our matching Mickey attire, played in the jumping water, and watched the smile of Collin stretch ear to ear. Watching the magic of Disney through our son’s eyes was powerful. Watching joyful kids have their dreams come true, standing next to the giant castle, and the bigger-than-life moments were monumental, especially at this point in time for us. Your wedding day was no coincidence. Being with you helped us shift the focus from Heather’s month-to-month, miraculous life to Collin’s life right in front of us. And not just Collin’s life, but our own lives as well. Your wedding was stunning!  It was an unforgettable wedding because of your love to one another orchestrated by God. You were meant to be! You were also meant to be our friends placed in our lives so long ago for so many reasons. This milestone we had to climb over showed us just another reason of why we love you so! This was a wonderful memory to celebrate your marriage, and it was a strong push we needed to move forward to the next chapter. I’m sorry it’s taken so long to tell you both this, but thank you!

Why is life taken from some people and granted to others? I have a long list of Q & A’s for God when I get to heaven. This is what it boils down to for me: Life was given to ME! Life was given to Thomas and Collin. Life was given to YOU. LIVE IT! There is too much tragedy in our world, and I will not waste mine. I will live this life telling and sharing our story to hopefully encourage each of you to share your story and LIVE your life as well.

The haunting 13-month mark, that I didn’t want to exist, was inevitable. This was the shift. It was almost a forced and planned shift from the planning of God, Keith, and Veronica. Would I take the opportunity for the next chapter choosing to have no more comparisons and no more “what if’s”? This would be all new territory. This was my now or never.  Would I allow this huge weight to be lifted and carried away? Or would I decide to return to my very comfortable and well-known intimate hole with my exclusive tribe? No......it was time to fully crawl out of it forever. It was my choice. I could fall victim or I could rise to victory. 

The verse Philippians 4:13 heavily impacted me, “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength”. I have so much faith in this verse, and it is now my favorite verse in the Bible. From this verse, I decided to accept my weaknesses, fears, and the death of my daughter, to “carry on warrior”, and live off of His strength.....instead of my own.