Collin Thomas Lohmeyer
“Of A Triumphant People”
“Young pup”
This young pup’s heritage is established and strong,
Born to Tom and Jess, he is right where he belongs.
Triumphant and victorious, are big shoes he’s asked to fill,
With the deep roots he’s been given, he certainly will!
God trusted his mommy and dad with Heather’s life and care,
Obedient and strengthened -- truly triumphant over obstacles rare.
Though his earthly arms and eyes can’t yet touch or see his big sis,
Her love, existence and memory will forever be his.
As he grows, he will be twin to Thomas, his dad,
Watching, learning and copying, this wee lad.
Collin, your story and journey has just barely begun,
Fill those shoes, hike your journey,
triumphantly reaching for The Son!
On April 27th, 2015, I was under a bright light awaiting an unplanned, but non-emergency, C-section. My husband was by my side in his gown and mask. Doctors and nurses surrounded us, very aware of the heightened anxiety in my and Thomas' hearts after learning and knowing our story. My heart was pounding. As strong of a rock as Thomas is, I could see the nervousness in his eyes. His eyes were the only thing I could see on him, the rest of his face was covered with a surgery mask. I looked at him as the doctors said, "the baby is out".....but no scream was to be heard. I was looking for an immediate scream...why wasn't he screaming? Why did I not hear a voice? I NEEDED to hear his voice. I didn't hear Heather's voice, I thought about that moment Heather came into the world, silent and not well.......where was my son's voice?
Then, after a few seconds that felt like forever, that voice, oh that LOUD voice came! Our sweet Rainbow Baby Boy, Collin Thomas came into our life........SCREAMING! That loud little baby boy scream was pure music to my ears! What a voice he had, (and still does)! Collin came out loud and strong, in his full lion "roar" ready to charge, and charged he has since the day he was born!
Collin was brought around the curtain for me to see him! My boy, my son, my rainbow baby, instantly renewed my joy the second I laid my eyes on him. He was a BEAST! I was in disbelief by how huge he was! How beautiful he was! His dark hair was like Daddy's hair! Collin's voice was at it's maximum volume, hands shaking out his sides, and ready for life! Collin showed his momma and daddy right away who he was, a triumphant lion!
As the nurses took Collin to make sure he was healthy and well, Thomas excitedly screamed, "I know him! I recognize him! That is my son!" It couldn't have been any sweeter. Thomas said he felt like he was looking into a mirror. I loved that! Thomas was one proud Daddy right away! There is nothing more attractive then to watch your husband grow to be a Daddy once, and than all over again. I love that man of mine!
As I eagerly waited behind a curtain being sewn up, my eyes were constantly fixed on trying to get a glimpse of my child again. Thomas continued to tell me from the other side of the room that Collin had dark hair, he was big, wiggly, and all the sweet details about our boy. Hearing Thomas say the endearing details about our son comforted me so much, along with Collin's voice that didn't come down a notch! Finally, the nurse sweetly and lovingly brought Collin to me, laid him on my chest, (still screaming), and once he touched me, once his body just barely touched mine, Collin's eyes IMMEDIATELY locked with mine and his loud lion "roar", came to a stop. He KNEW who I was! He knew that I was his momma! He knew he was back to the place of comfort where his entire life had been. Thomas and I were in complete shock! I couldn't believe that my sweet little boy knew me right out of the womb! I was consumed and overtaken with instant love for Collin. My tears of joy could have flooded that room. We bonded, so strongly, and right away. Right away, from the moment he came out roaring into our lives, he was a "mama's boy".
This moment, this was the very moment I had waited for, for SO long. I waited for this moment, the baby on my chest moment, since my pregnancy with Heather. I waited to deliver my baby and for my baby to be skin to skin with me. I fell in love all over again INSTANTLY! The love that overwhelmed us with Collin was amazing. I couldn't believe I could love, this kind of unconditional love all over again! The saying was true, "A mother's heart just gets bigger to fit all the love for her children perfectly inside". Yes, my heart literally doubled in size on April 27th at 10:37pm.
Daddy was by our side capturing every moment there was to capture. He was our "Daddy Paparazzi". As these sweet moments continued, I remember just locking eyes with Thomas over and over and over again so happy our baby boy was finally here, so grateful to our God, and so in love with my husband and my son all over again.
The day of my delivery was emotional from start to finish. We walked in at 7am needing to be induced, and once the nurse walked in to meet us, the tears came. This wonderful nurse knew we had a story. She sat with us, giving me all the time in the world to express my heart, my anxiety, and my fears. I explained to her how traumatizing the delivery experience was with Heather, how my labor was extremely slow to progress, how Heather almost didn't make it, how I didn't see my first born daughter at delivery, how she left in a plane, and I stayed behind, and how I didn't even know what my daughter looked like. This nurse listened so intently, so compassionately, and walked us through every step of everything she was doing for us. She was kind, patient, and methodical. What a gift she was!
As the contractions began to increase however, so did my anxiety. I tried so hard to not let my head or heart go to "that" place. I had some flashbacks in my head. I just couldn't prevent them from coming....I watched the clock.... too closely. As the pain increased with my contractions, those contractions took me back to those moments of Heather's birth. I had no idea what was coming then, but I knew all the things that could go wrong now. I couldn't let my head go there this early in the delivery process, so on I went with the epidural early. I knew I needed to settle my mind, my heart. I was scared. God bless Thomas and his patience. He definitely was born with a little extra patience for both of us
I saw the time on the clock pass by of Heather's birth, 2:30pm......It was heavy. This was Collin, not Heather, but that time on the clock made me grieve. I prayed for a Heather sign at some point during this day from God. Now the time of her birth was passing by, and nothing, no sign......then Thomas received a text from "Big" Heather. It couldn't have been more perfect. As I write this blog entry at this moment, seven months later after Collin's birth, I STILL have the following text on my phone saved from "Big" Heather.
2 Corinthians 4:17: "For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever." My labored body and mind with grief, anxiety, and the unknown really needed this. God sent my Heather sign through "Big" Heather, literally two minutes after the time my Heather was born. TOTAL GOD SIGN!
From that point forward, labor progressed, but Collin didn't. Collin was huge, which is why he needed to come out via C-section. I told my OB prior to delivery that I didn't care how Collin was delivered. I told him, "my child can come out of my nose for all I care." As long as my baby was healthy and breathing, THAT was all that mattered to us. So Collin came into this world the exact way he intended to be: Strong, large, (Loud!), and in charge!
Our very special hospital guests:
The next day, our beloved Col C & Mom C came to visit sweet Collin. These two, Col C and Mom C, have been, what Thomas and I like to call, our second set of parents. The Collin's family was Thomas' sponsor family while he was a cadet at the Academy. They were total God-sents in his life, became God-sents in mine, and continue to be mentors, lifters, and spiritual parents for us to this very day. Our story with The Collin's family is so heartfelt to us. Because of their role in our lives, and their role in Heather's life, we named our precious son after their family name.
Mom C is also lovingly known as "The Turtle Lady", as she wrote the Turtle poem for Heather, and also wrote the poem above for Collin. Collin's name translated means, "Of triumphant people, " and that is where his "Lion" God-name stemmed from.
As Col C and Mom C walked into our hospital room to meet our renewed pride and joy, they came with love, tears of joy, and presents! Babies always get presents! The poem she wrote just for Collin literally took our breath away. As Thomas read the poem out loud, with tears streaming down his face, I knew at that point that this was a new life.....a new and different life with Collin....a RENEWED life with Collin. Not a replaced life, but a renewed life.
The week continued with so many special guests and tears of love and joy! Then the end of the week came......and we went HOME! We went home at the end of a WEEK!
Going home a few days after Collin being born was nothing short of a miracle in my eyes. We walked in the door of our home, and we were HOME! We got to stay there! I took him immediately into our room, and rocked him and cried. Was this real? I know everyone says each child is so different, and you cannot compare them to one another.....that sure is true, but it was at an entirely different level for us with a medically fragile baby and a healthy baby......with one baby living in our hearts in heaven, and now one living in our arms again. Heather was in the hospital for three months and five days.....and Collin just a few short days. Our life was so NEW! Although my joy was through the roof, my grief became present all over again....but in a different way. Now, next to my grief was this unimaginable amount of overflowing JOY. That joy was my sweet little lion, Collin. I let the joy fill me and consume me, but unfortunately, I couldn't shake the grief. I'll share more about this later on...
What has life been like with a rainbow baby? RENEWED JOY as my good, dear, and fellow bereaved mommy friend, Carrie has found the perfect words to describe this new life. These rainbow babies RENEW our hearts, our lives, our souls. These rainbow babies do not replace the love and joy and grief of our first born children that are now in heaven. No one ever could....no one is ever supposed to. But also, no one could have ever renewed me in the way that Collin has renewed me. Heather taught me unconditional love, and now Collin has not only restored that love, but he has also brought me to be nearest to God more than ever before.
This really has been the start of a brand new life! I poured all the love I had at the time into my daughter. After Heather died, I didn't think I had anything left to give. I didn't think I could be renewed like THIS! Prior to Heather, I never knew a love existed like the love I had being a mother to my children. Then to think that God loves us more than I love my kids.....it's unimaginable to me. I read somewhere that becoming a parent and discovering the love you have for your children is the closest we will ever experience to realizing how much God really does love us. I underestimated God and His love for me, big time! Now, I'm starting to see His love for me for REAL for the very first time, and Collin renewing my joy brought me to see God in His true light.
Heather brought me to just have FAITH in God. Heather taught me to just push the "I believe" button. Heather taught me the definition of unconditional love. Heather taught me to "Walk by faith, not by sight." Heather taught me that miracles can always happen, for "She is HIS miracle". However, I didn't reach my potential in finding God through her. I sought him out more, but was so consumed in every aspect of Heather's life and her living. I just chose to believe and not argue with God. He blessed me more than I ever thought could be possible with her life. Collin, however, has brought me to see God's full potential for me and see His love really for the first time. Collin has made me start not a new chapter in life, but a brand new book. Collin is teaching me to follow God fully and truly, to leave my old ways, and let the growth out pour into my new ways of life. This life. HIS way! Not mine! I'm in awe of what God is teaching and has taught me through my kids. They are my best gift in life!
Renewed joy is outweighing the emptiness and loneliness of my grief now. Renewed, so renewed, never replaced........
Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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