What is a Rainbow Baby?
“A rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravage of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.”
About six months after Heather made her journey to heaven, we found out that she was becoming a Big Sister. Prior to that wonderful news, it took me about four months after Heather died to learn how to just function again. During that time, I had some great pick me ups from amazing people in our life with strong emotional quality time, dance therapy in San Antonio, and the gift of “Tiny Dancer”. I was feeling ok, and sometimes even really good, strong, and restored........but in July I hit an entirely new low. In July, I couldn’t get out of bed, I had no drive to eat, shower, go anywhere, or do anything. I ignored most of my phone calls, regressed in counseling, and Thomas and I struggled. I felt like I was degenerating. I thought I was supposed to continue to improve, get “better”, find my path again, but I just fell off board for several weeks.
A few weeks after my regression, I saw on Facebook that the Color Run was coming to Colorado Springs. I was elated and had this unexpected excitement come over me. The Color Run is a 5K Fun Race. Colored corn starch is purchased and all the runners just get completely drenched in bright vibrant colors. I had no idea why I was so excited about this, but the simple thought of throwing a lot of PINK in the air made me smile. FYI-I HATE running, it’s not my thing, so Thomas was also shocked by my excitement for this event. Nevertheless, Thomas had not seen any positive emotion from me at all, and jumped on board to do this event with me to support my sudden urge of excitement. We had a few friends come join us to represent “Team Heather Faith”, made T-shirts, got all done up with lots of color, and had a day to remember Heather and be thankful for her life. Again, this sudden impulse literally came out of nowhere......but a few days later, after we ran the Color Run, I knew why God had steered me in that direction of joy......
We were pregnant! Yes, we were trying. The happiest we have ever been in our entire lives was us becoming parents. Heather changed our every aspect in our lives. We just couldn’t get used to the thought of waiting too long to be active parents again. God had sent us our second miracle at the PERFECT timing. Knowing that we took our little boy on the color run with us made me overjoyed, and it was the first time I really felt true joy, peace, and drive to move forward. There were many times in the months prior to the color run that I “put on a face” and “put on a show” to give the perception that I was ok. I wasn’t. I just couldn’t handle the sad eyes every moment of every day. I pulled it together when I could to fake it......but this time, during the Color Run, I wasn’t faking anything. Something was different. Something was real again.
As I looked back on the color run pictures at the end of the day, my smile in all those pictures caught me off guard. I noticed how genuinely happy I was that day. It was a huge blessing and a day I will be forever thankful for. Four days later, those two pink lines popped up on the pregnancy test. That was it! That was my unexpected motive to be happy again. God was sending us another child, a baby boy! I knew I had to be my very best for him, just like I was my very best for and with Heather. I knew Heather would want me to be strong and be the mother I was to her to her little brother. I knew that was the time for me to be courageous and brave once again. That moment, of finding out we were expecting our second child, and that he went with us on the Color Run, was my true turning point back to life. The life God gave me to live. And this little boy, brought me back to my life to renew me in a way that no one else could. He brought back the sense of “ME” again. I cannot wait to share this story with our little man to tell him what his purpose has been. To bring Mommy back to life!
A few months later after our shock and excitement settled, a level of fear kicked back into full swing. Because of Heather’s rare genetic abnormality, we have been under the microscope with this pregnancy. The "perk" is that we have had tons of ultrasounds with so many opportunities to see our baby boy. It’s been all for the good though to have a fantastic medical team all very aware of what to look for and to pay attention to our every concern. Still, it’s been very high-stress and very emotional.
With our renewed joy, we still had grief within us. Joy and grief are hard things to balance. Now, I was having pregnancy hormones mixed into the two dynamic feelings of joy and grief. I’ve been all over the place. Great days, awful days, thankful days, emotional days, fearful days, anxious days, trusting days, faithful days, and everything in between. How could I possibly KNOW that this baby will be healthy? How could I possibly know that we wouldn’t have a repeat delivery experience of what we went through with Heather? Will I even see my baby after I deliver? Will Thomas have to follow our baby to the NICU? Will I get to hold my baby? Will Thomas get to hold his son on the FIRST day of his life? Will I have the opportunity to breastfeed? Will our son live a full life? I still have no answers to any of those questions. I would like to fully believe that we will have what is known to be a healthy delivery experience, but when our only experience has been so traumatic, all this just seems like a fairy tale to me. This second baby, is almost a “first time” experience for us. The way we had to “share” Heather after delivery is not a way any parent wants to share their baby. Heather needed life support. Heather needed a huge medical team. We had to push our way through the medical team just to see our daughter. We had to get permission to pick up our baby to hold her. I had to have intense coaching on how to pump successfully with low supply at first to feed my baby what she needed. So now, with the “expectation” that our little boy will be healthy, after all the insight and medical prenatal attention we have had, will we actually be able to see, hold, touch, and nurse our next child?
We have been so blessed to become friends with other bereaved families that have had a child after the loss of their first born. Their coaching and wisdom has been so helpful to give us some awareness of what to expect. We know we may live in fear for a few weeks to a few months. After losing a child, clingy-ness is expected in the beginning. We know we are unlikely to let that baby out of our arms, let alone out of our sight for a while. We know we will be in shock by all the things a healthy baby learns to do on their own that a chronically ill child was unable to do. We know that this will be an entirely different experience if he is healthy. We know how to take care of a special needs baby so well, but I have no idea how to take care of a healthy one. As much as I feel the need to have machines to test their oxygen consumption, saturations, and heart rate, we have to now just look at our baby and rely on a thermometer.......what???? It blows my mind. So, I kindly ask and request of our support system of family and friends: please be patient with us as we learn to share our baby, especially since we have one in our arms instead of two.
We have stayed very low key on this pregnancy for many reasons. Thomas and I are going through so much emotionally, that it’s just been too much to put information out there on social media to share. I look back on my pregnancy with Heather, and that was nine additional months God gave to us to have life with her. I view pregnancy so differently now. That’s a special part of our baby’s life that we, and mostly I carrying the baby, get to cherish and experience. It’s such a special and short time to experience life closer to you than possibly imaginable. Life that grows inside of ME! Being pregnant is so miraculous, I absolutely love the gift of pregnancy! Although I love these nine months of joy, this pregnancy has been so different in being a complete emotional rollercoaster. This sweet boy growing inside of me has moved so much more in so many different ways than Heather ever did. He's so much more active, has had hiccups, and I have all the symptoms of pregnancy I never did with Heather. So, I feel like I've mourned some of those things that I didn't experience with her. It’s been so overwhelming, but a new kind of beautiful as well. We’ve lived in a world of cautious optimism throughout this entire pregnancy. Yes, we have faith. Yes, we trust God. Yes, to all of the above, but we also experienced what no one should ever go through. I wish I could go back to the concept, “Ignorance is bliss”. We know too much now. Sometimes I take steps backwards, because that’s just how it goes. So, I go back and forth in faith and fear, and know I will continue to do so until I have our second born in my sight and in my arms. I know Thomas and I need to hold and see this baby more than anything else right now. I want this baby here so badly, but I also want Heather back for her to share in the excitement of being a big sister in person.
Baby “Snoopy”, as we have been calling him, is doing great! Our good friends' vibrant four year-old, told us “Snoopy” would be a great name for him. So, it stuck as his nick name. We do have a name, a strong meaningful name, and we are excited to share it once he arrives. “Snoopy” is in the 90th percentile on growth, so he’s HUGE! We are expecting him to come out as a toddler and very active. Daddy sure is proud that he helped make a big boy! I am currently 34 weeks pregnant, but look further along since “Snoopy” is over one pound larger than expected three weeks ago. Regardless, I’ll grow as much as God and “Snoopy” need me to. Not many women appreciate the compliment of being “HUGE” while pregnant, but since Heather was so small, and she stopped growing, I also stopped growing. I am thrilled that this little “BIG” guy continues to grow and my sweet belly and home can show that proof to doctors. It’s a great comfort to Thomas and me that I continue to grow and have a healthy home for our baby to live in for now.
So, we are getting close! We thank everyone in our lives for your support, compassion, and prayers as we have been so cautiously optimistic in the past 34 weeks. I have a special request....I ask for prayer for anxiety to step aside, as I know those feelings do not come from God. I am very anxious about this delivery. We ask for prayer that our medical team will be prepared and equipped if need be for any emergency situation. We ask for peace in our minds and hearts in bringing baby “Snoopy” to our world as healthy as can be, and for us to have that “first time” birth experience.
As our delivery date approaches, I am trying so hard to keep this in mind:
“Faith is not knowing what the future holds, but knowing who holds the future”, and for now, that is my daily prayer for our amazing "Rainbow Baby" on the way!
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